I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the grand redesign and reopening of my other web page, Tits and Gore! If the last week is any indication, it will be seeing a lot more posting action than fourteen seconds, because my lovely wife Maggie is blogging with me! I worked ever so hard on the new design, which features cool stuff like a header-image rotator and a tiny calendar!

You may notice a difference (other than the fact that shit is actually getting posted). Though we have not abandoned the analysis of exploitation films, as you’ll see from our reviews, the new site is a straight-up movie review project! We are embarking on a foolhardy mission to create top ten lists for every year we possibly can, which should only take, I don’t know, like three weeks? Ha ha! Ha! Funnyyyyyyyyy.

Click the link in the first sentence or the sidebar and be transported to a world of fuck magic.

He is the real fucking shit. He is so fucking real it gives me tiny chills. Some of them are in my scrotum, but mostly they are in my brain. I just got back from caucusing with the fam and it was amazing. Thousands of people turned out for the DFL caucus, an avalanche of first-timers, like me and mine.

The venue was my old junior high school - DFL on the top floor, Reds on the lower decks. The top floor was humming and the volunteers were overwhelmed. It was absolute electricity - people could barely wait to get their hands on ballots. Folks were walking up from blocks and blocks away in the freezing cold, not a parking space to be found. Everyone talking, meeting neighbors, lots of smiling - smiling about politics for fuck’s sake - and almost everyone with tiny Obama stickers affixed.

On our way out we swung downstairs and cruised past the Reds. Sad, quiet (”still” is a good word), maybe 3 dozen Old Guard types impatiently shuffling their feet. They looked a little ill. It sounded like there was a party going on upstairs, and in the basement everyone seemed chained to a giant clock.

If we fuck this one up, people. We fuck this up? We’ll deserve everything we get and more.

Let’s. Don’t. Fuck. Up.

At least as bountiful as the year in film, 2007 was overflowing with amazing records. By my reckoning, I bought more new releases this year than any other year in my life! I am joined for the musical countdown by Michael Polizzi, as well as John Macintosh, hirsute aural academic of the Northwoods. Onwards!

Mike Lyon - The Best of Aught-Seven

With each album selection I’ve chosen two songs that I feel are representative tracks - if you’re willing to hunt around on torrents or just grab them off iTunes, I urge you to take a chance and perhaps fall in love with some new music!

1. Kings of Leon – Because of the Times
-(Recommended Tracks: “Ragoo” & “Fans”)
2. Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
-Recommended Tracks: “Keep The Car Runnning” & “(Antichrist Television Blues)”)
3. Panda Bear – Person Pitch
-(Recommended Tracks: “Take Pills” & “Bros”)
4. LCD Soundsystem – Sound of Silver
-(Recommended Tracks: “Get Innocuous!” & “All My Friends”)
5. Radiohead – In Rainbows
-(Recommended Tracks: “Nude” & “Videotape”)
6. Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
-(Recommended Tracks: “You Are My Face” & “Hate It Here”)
7. Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrypha
-(Recommended Tracks: “Dark Matter” & “Scythian Empires”)
8. Animal Collective – Strawberry Jam
-(Recommended Tracks: “Peacebone” & “For Reverend Green”)
9. Feist – The Reminder
-(Recommended Tracks: “The Park” & “1 2 3 4″)
10. Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass
-(Recommended Tracks: “Keep Off The Lawn” & “The Harbor Is Yours”)

Eleven Through Twenty
Ryan Adams – Easy Tiger
Iron and Wine – The Shepard’s Dog
The National – Boxer
The Field – From Here We Go Sublime
Robert Plant & Alison Krauss – Raising Sand
Fennesz + Sakamoto - Cendre
The Fucking Wrath – Season of Evil
M.I.A. – Kala
Tomahawk – Anonymous
Underworld – Oblivion With Bells

Not every great song belongs to an equally great record, and so I’ve made a mix of my favorite singles of the year that were not on my top ten records; this includes representatives from almost all the 11-20 records and a dozen more besides! I’ve made it available as an iMix, so click on the image below if you want to spend a little bread and hear some amazing tunes. Alternatively, if you’re not into immediate gratification, you can shoot me an email and I’ll burn up a copy for you. Who knows, I may draw on this disc or write you a tiny poem. …Or I might masturbate on it. You rolls the dice.

Best of the Rest 2007

Michael Polizzi - The Best of Aught-Seven

1. Radiohead - In Rainbows
2. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
3. Vampire Weekend - “Mansard Roof/Ladies of Cambridge” (45”)
4. Panda Bear - Person Pitch
5. Yeasayer - “Sunrise” (single)
6. Grizzly Bear - “He Hit Me” (single)
7. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?
8. Boris – Pink
9. Amy Winehouse - “Rehab” (single)
10. Besnard Lakes - The Besnard Lakes are the Darkhorse / Neil Young - Live at Massey Hall 1971 / Von Sudenfed - Tromatic Reflexxions

Blasts From the Past: Serge Gainsbourg with Brigit Bardot - Bonnie and Clyde; Gonzales - Solo Piano; Paul Simon - Graceland; Patti Smith Group - Radio Ethiopia; Neil Young - American Stars n Bars; Los Zafiros - Bossa Cubano; Jorge Ben - A Tabua de Esmeralda; Joni Mitchell - Hejira; Jean-Michel Jarre - Oxygene; The Fall - 50,000 Fall Fans Can’t be Wrong; Butthole Surfers - Butthole Surfers…

John Macintosh - The Best of Aught-Seven

Top Ten Albums
1. Panda Bear - Person Pitch
2. Iron & Wine - The Shepherd’s Dog
3. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
4. Jens Lekman - Night Falls Over Kortedala
5. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam
6. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
7. Radiohead - In Rainbows
8. Andrew Bird - Armchair Apocrypha
9. Kings of Leon - Because Of The Times
10. Grizzly Bear - Friend (EP)

Honorable Mentions
The National - Boxer
The Field - From Here We Go Sublime

Top Ten Songs (Appearing on Top 10)
1. Animal Collective - “Fireworks”
2. Jens Lekman - “The Opposite of Hallelujah”
3. Arcade Fire - “The Well And The Lighthouse”
4. Spoon - “You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb”
5. Animal Collective - “For Reverend Green”
6. Panda Bear - “Take Pills”
7. Iron & Wine - “House By The Sea”
8. Spoon - “Black Like Me”
9. Arcade Fire - “Ocean Of Noise”
10. Radiohead - “Videotape”

Top Five Songs (Not Appearing on Top 10 Albums)
1. Loney, Dear - “I Am John”
2. Jason Isbell - “Dress Blues”
3. The National - “Fake Empire”
4. MGMT - “Time To Pretend”
5. Vampire Weekend - “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa”

Top Three Covers
1. Dr. Dog - “Heart It Races” (Architecture In Helsinki)
2. Grizzly Bear - “He Hit Me” (The Crystals)
3. Spoon - “It’s Gonna Take An Airplane” (live, unreleased) (Destroyer)

Over at Termite Art, my buddy Matt Singer wrote an excellent critical analysis of a recent Spider-Man story entitled “One More Day”, an extremely controversial arc that effectively retcons Mary Jane Watson Parker out of Peter Parker’s life. I felt compelled to reply with my own take on this story, which admittedly upsets me as well, and the reply turned into an essay of its own! I decided to post it here in the hopes of snagging more voices to the debate. Please head on over to Matt’s essay and meet me after the break!

—

I find myself in the strange position of coming to the defense of “One More Day”, at least in a loose sense. Aside from the lack of focus over the course of the story arc on MJ and Peter’s last day, a point on which I could not agree with Matt more, I can’t jump in with the rest of the Spider-Man lifers and pretend I’ve been betrayed.

I’ve been a Spidey reader since I was 5 years old and thanks to a youth filled with comic conventions (in a bygone time when these things were not worth near as much money as they are now), own pretty much every issue of Amazing from about issue #70 onwards. And though I once was an utter purist and wished much figurative harm upon writers of the series for stunts like Ben Reilly and the return of Norman Osborn, I’ve come to believe that, with 45 years of back story, there is very little an effective writer can do other than introduce radical change, as in any other long-running soap opera.

And Spidey is definitely a soap. In a far more demonstrable sense than other long-runners like Superman or Batman, Spidey has always been weighted by an emotional core and a focus on personal problems and family and friends that very closely mirrors the arcs of television (nee radio) soaps. Although “One More Day” rubs me wrong in terms of brevity and structural soundness, at the end of the day, a year’s worth of issues where Spidey fights a Villain of the Month would bore me to tears.

And I will even admit to the presence of some deft emotional manipulation in the story arc. With MJ and Peter’s final kiss and her utterance of the classic line, “Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot…”, 25 years of personal nostalgia crept up on me. I remember spending my allowance on the MJ and Peter wedding issue right after moving to Minneapolis from Northern Minnesota at the local comic shop, now closed. Everything about that experience still seems tactile and real and it’s the clever writer who knows, frankly, how to totally rip that open and exploit it.

And do I believe for one second that “One More Day” is the eternal future of the book? Of course not! Does anyone believe Captain America is really dead and gone? Did any but the most naive of readers go into the whole “Death of Superman” fracas and sincerely think that Steel or the goddamn Robot Superman were going to entertain readers for decades to come?

Long-form storytelling is unforgiving business. Readers get bored easily yet balk at the slightest change. The status quo has to be fucked with in order to allow for its triumphant return. I’m definitely and deeply upset that MJ has been retconned out of Spidey lore. But clearly the storyline is designed to evoke this exact emotional response. I may not be thrilled, but I remain curious - and angry and curious is always a better beast than bored and indifferent.

As December crawls to its icy close, my favorite time of the year begins anew: List-Making Season! This year I am joined in my cinematic contemplation by the vivacious, wife-shaped Maggie Lyon and professional mind hermit Michael Polizzi, as well as illustrious Messrs et Mesdames Singer, Anderson, Broad, Wang, Sweeney, Zambenedetti, Kerpius and Hauske - please visit them all and marvel at their volubility and terrifying sexual potency!

As a devotee of international (and particularly Asian) cinema, I surprised myself this year by selecting films almost entirely from English-speaking directors. For me, the year was defined by this Occidental resurgence, and career-defining films from some of the West’s finest directors. It was a banner year at the pictures and choosing a top ten was more painful and arbitrary-seeming than usual; my top two in particular are interchangeable in my affections. Here then without further ado are the best from a very good year indeed.

Mike Lyon - The Best of Aught-Seven

1. There Will Be Blood (Paul Thomas Anderson)
2. No Country For Old Men (Joel & Ethan Coen)
3. Once (John Carney)
4. The Darjeeling Limited (Wes Anderson)
5. Paprika (Satoshi Kon)
6. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Julian Schnabel)
7. Eastern Promises (David Cronenberg)
8. Exodus (Pang Ho-Cheung)
9. Grindhouse (Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino, et al.)
10. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (Andrew Dominik)

Eleven Through Twenty
Southland Tales (Richard Kelly)
Juno (Jason Reitman)
30 Days of Night (David Slade)
Lust, Caution (Ang Lee)
Ratatouille (Brad Bird)
3:10 to Yuma (James Mangold)
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters (Matt Maiellaro & Dave Willis)
Flash Point (Wilson Yip)
Hot Fuzz (Edgar Wright)
Secret Sunshine (Lee Chang-dong)

Maggie Lyon - The Best of Aught-Seven

1. No Country for Old Men (Joel & Ethan Coen)
2. Once (John Carney)
3. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Julian Schnabel)
4. Eastern Promises (David Cronenberg)
5. There Will Be Blood (Paul Thomas Anderson)
6. Paprika (Satoshi Kon)
7. Ratatouille (Brad Bird)
8. Hot Fuzz (Edgar Wright)
9. Grindhouse (Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino, et al.)
10. Juno (Jason Reitman)

Michael Polizzi - The Best of Aught-Seven

1. There Will Be Blood (Paul Thomas Anderson)
-”Gnaw on a charred steak– the new Bible is written in Oil.”
2. No Country For Old Men (Joel & Ethan Coen)
-”If the movie was just the shot of the injured dog through the binoculars this would be my #1 forever– further impaired by having read the book before I saw the movie.”
3. Eastern Promises (David Cronenberg)
-”How can a movie this sincere and tight also be a giant wink and nudge? Cronenberg might be going from the world’s best creature creator to the world’s greatest tailor- he can cut any cloth to his shape.”
4. The Bourne Ultimatum (Paul Greengrass)
-”Sweet god Paul Greengrass nailed the action sequences in this movie– a couple small plot points stick in my craw, but the direction, camera work & absenteeism acting in this is undeniable gold.”
5. The Darjeeling Limited (Wes Anderson)
-”Wes Anderson shows the tiger, at last, a little reality for every cock-eyed dream goes a long way. Holy fools and their Porsches!”
6. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Julian Schnabel)
-”Points off for using Pale Blue Eye and Tom Waits’ All the World is Green in the soundtrack, but the opening play with focal planes and pink eyelid flutters is too gorgeous to ever watch on the small screen.”
7. Zodiac (David Fincher)
-”Fincher’s highly aestheticized case file– great play between photographic coolness, symmetrical framing & obsession.”
8. Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (Sidney Lumet)
-”For making the every day implausible plausible, wrenching & horrible pillow killing excellence.”
9. Grindhouse (Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino, et al.)
-”Tarantino, how did you manage to fuck this one up?! Take out all of the dialogue & shitty-shitty acting from the second half of Death Proof and we have a #1.”
10. Alejandro Jodorowsky Re-Issuse - El Topo & The Holy Mountain
-”The height of late 60’s/early 70’s spiritual pretension. Fantastic humane surrealism. Does Bunuel better than Bunuel. The sets & set pieces in Holy Mountain fry Matthew Barney in his own Vaseline.”

Honorable mentions: Black Book, Walk Hard, Superbad, Knocked Up, Michael Clayton.
Movies I wanted to see but missed in the theater: Rescue Dawn, I’m Not There, Lust, Caution, Control, Zoo, 3:10 to Yuma, Broken English, Into the Wild, Sleuth, In the Valley of Elah, The Ten, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward…

My hair was driving me totally fucking nuts. After a failed attempt to take matters into my own hands, I ended up with a ‘do I haven’t sported in 4 years:

It’s actually super fun - there’s a reason I shaved it clean every day for almost 7 years! I won’t be sticking with it, though… Today will be the sole day of epic shininess; guess I just needed to hit the reset button.

The funeral. It was in a park. Weird mix of bruised All the Young Dudes and militant Lutherans. A bad excuse to see Timmy but I got excited anyway. He brought me an Academy screener of Pan’s Labyrinth, and I got him an old smut novel and a book of Russian convict tattoos. Some people in suits, some people in shorts. Unexpectedly fucked up by her Brownie uniform laid out on a picnic table. Unexpectedly angry.

—

Watching Jackie Chan’s Canton Godfather, and realizing it’s the first time since Anita Mui died 3 years ago (3 year! Fuck!) that I’ve rewatched a picture starring her. She’s amazing - and the teahouse fight is essentially one of the great dance sequences in 20th century cinema. The pic is, improbably enough, a loose remake of Pocketful of Miracles, Capra’s final hokeyfest. Made me want to watch a Leslie Cheung picture, but then I knew I was being morbid.

—

Answers! -

1. Happy Together
2. Chinatown
3. From Russia With Love
4. A Clockwork Orange
5. Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind
6. Sonatine
7. The Thing
8. Ichi the Killer
9. Double Indemnity
10. Raising Arizona

I don’t normally participate in this kind of shit, but this meme is particularly enjoyable. Damn you, Bougie!

So, the premise: head to IMDb and look up ten of your favorite movies. List 3 “plot keywords” for each movie, and see if your friends can guess which movies you’re talking about! So check out my list, por favor - following Bougie’s example I avoided films that were very obscure and went with obvious keywords. Behold!

1. Gay, Buenos Aires, Tango

2. Title Spoken By Character, Neo Noir, Nose Bleed

3. Espionage, Train, Shoe

4. Dehumanization, Classical Music, Gang Rape

5. Environmental, Insect, Messiah

6. Beach, Roman Candle, Suicide

7. Cold, Paranoia, Dead Dog

8. Sadomasochism, Boiling Oil, Semen

9. Insurance, Crutches, Femme Fatale

10. Infertility, Bounty Hunter, Diaper

Can you really call it a vacation if you barely work to begin with? Yes! The Deep South calls to me like a sexually aggressive panda bear, and I can do naught but heed its call.

I can also have my flight cancelled less than 24 hours in advance and race to find a new flight. Ball suckers!

Got some new Lomo film developed from our last trip down south and the colors are crazy saturated. I used a very similar film to the stock from Asia, but the colors are diametrically opposed. I suppose the Asian film went through a minimum of eight x-ray machines and lived in 100 degree heat for a couple weeks - maybe that is the secret to their own special charm? In any case, I am mightily pleased with the variety exhibited by this film stock!

I was dead lazy this week and haven’t finished my cinema blog yet, but I implore you to scream with masturbatory glee as you peruse previous installments:

March 13th        March 20th

News Flash: It appears that the City Pages has christened me MINNESTOA BLOG OF THE DAY!  To wit:

“Mike Lyon blogs about his history with the Presidents of the United States, suffering from the Norwalk virus, and buying director Kenneth Anger’s camera at Fourteen Seconds.”

A succinct and yet strangely arousing summary - I salute you, City Pages!  As the accolades continue to roll in, I hope to develop a more fealty-oriented reader base, a group of highly literate, emotionally immature henchmen who will take on the administrative duties of my vast cocaine-smuggling operations and shower me with money and dancing women.

I expect the shower of dancing women to be logistically difficult and physically painful, but erotic.

I’ve been having some fun the past week with Rate Your Music, an online database and (duh) rating aggregate. You put in all of your albums, rate ‘em, write reviews, and it weighs your scores (and everyone else’s) and essentially gives a nice picture of what the best records are for any given genre, year, artist, etc. It stands to reason that something that combines lists, archiving, rating things, and other obsessive-compulsive elements would strongly appeal to me.

Instead of just barreling through my collection and rating everything off the top of my head, I’ve been taking the time every night to sit down and really listen carefully to a record on my list, scoring each song, taking an average to determine my rating. So far I’ve been writing tiny reviews for each album as well, though I don’t know if something that time-consuming can really last. It’s been a long time since I just sat and listened to a record and didn’t use it as some kind of background device - while driving, during work, etc. It’s nice to hear music as a means unto itself, rather than as a soundtrack to something.